I was attracted to more abuse as a young adult. I had no personal boundaries.
Anger and Abuse. This story shows that being around abuse can create anger, lack of confidence and negative thinking. Anger, lack of confidence and negative thinking can become a part of you. The negative thinking becomes a part of your brain. You fail to learn personal boundaries.
Searching for the missing piece of love continued with more chaos and fear around living with my dad. The ridicule and physical fights between my dad, sister, and stepmom kept me in hypervigilance mode for eight years. I never knew what was going to happen next. My stepmom was mean and cruel to my sister and me. Dad was loyal to her. Part of her cruelty was getting him riled up against us. She would yell “beat them Lale” and he would beat us. He would drink and get in rages. She would drink and run around the house naked and sleep with other men.
Things got worse when another child showed up
Dad and stepmom had a child and she became their main focus. There was no love, affection or compassion for my sister and me. My dad would drink and get angry and abuse my stepmom, throw her through windows and beat my sister on occasion. I would try to stop my dad from beating on my sister by beating on him. At twelve their daughter got involved in drugs and alcohol at an early age and by her late thirties died of kidney failure.
Running away didn’t work either
I and my sister ran away several times only to have the police side with my dad and stepmom. I lived there from nine until I was sixteen. At fourteen I continued my search for physical love in all the wrong places, situations and people. At sixteen I met my husband and married him and got out of my dad’s home. By this point, I had acquired a relationship with my real mom. My mom signed for me to get married to help me remove myself out of the violence at home with my dad and stepmom. I thought the man I married would give me the love I needed.
I learned to get free from anger, depression, and shame.
From age nine to sixteen I was raised with verbal and emotional abuse. I struggled with anger and depression until I learned that verbal abuse was worse than physical abuse. As I became an adult I learned all about what abuse can do to a person. After putting that knowledge into practice I became aware that I could think differently. I gained freedom from negative emotions.
One victim put it like this “I knew that hitting was bad. As for verbal abuse, I never thought it was normal or abnormal per se—it didn’t even register that what was going on was abusive. I think my survival mechanism was repressing, being oblivious on purpose. I just knew that I was never allowed to be angry”. The link
The negative verbal abuse actually changes your brain. It changes the structure of your brain. “Dr. Martin Teicher and his colleagues at McLean Hospital, Harvard Medical School and Northeastern University, used magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) technology to identify measured changes in brain structure among young adults who had experienced childhood abuse or neglect. There were clear differences in nine brain regions between those who had suffered childhood trauma and those who had not. (article) As people mature after being victims of abuse they are attracted to additional abuse.
My story continued……
At four o’ clock in the morning and I found myself on the kitchen floor. I was staring up into my abusers’ eyes. I had been thrown to the floor and was gasping for air. The only thing on my mind was the shame I felt at that moment. The next morning, I realized I was only twenty-two,“ trapped” in a toxic group of evil people, and didn’t think I could get out. It was possible with Gods help. As a result of being addicted to drugs and alcohol six months later, I ended up in a hospital with ulcers. Just a coincidence that someone from the group was going back to where I lived the next morning. I hitched a ride and after careful detachment, I walked away from that abusive environment. Miraculously, I lived to tell about it. Oh, I got it now. Being in a gang and using drugs wasn’t the answer, drugs didn’t do it. To be continued…..bookmark this blog and come back.
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